No Spiritual Rest
I admire people whose emotions don't run deep. Everyday memories of all the people no longer in my life flash before me. Everyday all of the possible different paths of life I could have lived and all of the different people I could have loved beckon my spirit. It is as if every life and path of the millions on Earth is one piece of fruit that I want to grab and taste it once rather than living on the edge of an atom of it.
The fact that I cannot be a thousand people at once in a million places at once eats at my soul. I cannot get enough of life and I cannot get enough of experience. Take those unforgettable moments in our lives that come once a decade and I want to find the power to have them everyday. Particularly because I am not convinced of an afterlife The thirst that I have for a vivid and unforgettable moment is insurmountable and simultaneously torture on my soul and imagination.
My mind these always my life through the lens that I can see the end which owns my senses on the present. Very rarely do I feel like the present is enough even when it is full of joy and peace. It is as if my appetite informed by my looming death drives me to insanity.
Practically speaking I have about 25 years left to live before I have to worry and check regularly, if not already now. The vivid knowledge that at the end it is the end and that's all makes me feel a way that I cannot describe but with the level of horror that brings depression upon me and makes me mentally uneasy at a level where the pain becomes physical and not just emotional.
With a mind that is spinning 10 times so fast all the time a day seems like an Infinity of thoughts in 100 different directions and all deep. I sometimes welcome cognitive decline because then perhaps the simplicity of my mind will bring me spiritual rest.